At What Point?
Note: A few things have been changed in this post, so the person I am referring to cannot be identified. But I wanted to share this with all of you. Chances are, you know someone like this.
A few nights ago, I was on the phone with a friend of mine for over 2 hours. This wasn't a bullshit session. She woke me up at 11:30 in the evening with a phone call, sobbing uncontrollably. She has had bipolar disorder since she was 15, and I could tell within a few minutes that she was clearly off her medications. This isn't the first time she's done this. We've been friends a long time. But this is a lifetime illness, and at age 43, she knows better. It wasn't a matter of affording the meds, although in the past, this had been an issue for her. She makes good money (a lot more than I do), has insurance that pays for her medications, and for her medical appointments that she needs to maintain her bipolar disorder (BPD).
We talked, and she unloaded on me. She was in the middle of a divorce (her 3rd marriage). This time, he was seeking alimony, custody of their 14 year-old daughter, and essentially most of the life she has made for herself. This is hard for most people to handle, but when you have a serious mental illness, it can be absolutely devastating. She had called and hung up on three other people before talking to me. I can't say I didn't see this coming. Some of her recent emails to me seemed, well... negative.
I've mentioned her before in some previous posts, because I have talked with her and even traveled to meet her when she was clearly suicidal. That time, I helped her to check in for what started as a 72-hour stay at a hospital, but which became nearly two weeks long. Each time, she stopped taking her medications. When she is on her meds, you can't tell her from anyone in the crowd. Those meds keep her brain chemistry in check. But, they have side effects that eventually cause her to stop taking them. That's when the problems start. She had been off her meds this time for 3 weeks. Last time, it was just over 2 weeks when she reached me. One time, it was over 4 months, and she was almost to the point of living on the streets. Each time, reality hits eventually, and she comes back. Her employer has always looked the other way, knowing that this occurs with her. She is an incredibly talented software engineer. With her BPD, the timing isn't predictable. Some people with BPD have a predictable cycle. Not her. It can be 3 times in a year, or nothing for 2 years.
Something about the way she was talking told me she had already decided to get help and get back on track again. But I wasn't sure if she had started. Mentioning meds is something approached at the right point, not right away. But, as an EMT, it is part of my thinking, and eventually I asked her if she had restarted her meds. Not yet, but she had gone and gotten them refilled again earlier that day. OK. That's good. She has them. What were her plans at this point? First, she knew she had to get back on her meds to be able to handle any legal actions, especially custodial proceedings. But the depression she was in was keeping her from opening those bottles and taking those pills. Or it could push her over the edge and make her take more than she should. A lot more. Its happened before. Which is why we talked and talked and talked. Letting her dump on me gives her an outlet that I always hope will allow her to see some things clearly and essentially go back and do what she knows she needs to do.
Its hard dealing with someone in the cycles of BPD. Even harder over and over again. But she's my friend. She's been through tough times, and she has an ability to rebound that is just unreal.
By the time our call was ending, she was less upset, but I could tell the brain demons were still working on her.
... She called me yesterday when I was driving home, and let me know she was ok, which was good to hear, and she had started back on the road to her recovery. She restarted her medication regimen, contacted her doc, and had an emergency plan in case she relapsed in this acute period for her. She hasn't spoken with her soon-to-be ex-husband yet, but was hoping to in the next week or so. She didn't do anything on Sunday except stare at pictures most of the day. Pictures of family, of friends, and of parts of her life she clearly wants back, but can't have. Her daughter is staying with her father, who moved out before I was called. I think she understands that she more than likely won't get sole custody of her daughter. We may meet up later this week or early next week, as she is thinking about a little travel while she gets back on track. Can't say its the smartest move for her, but if it works...
I am sharing this story to you, because when I was done talking with her, I realized the drain it had on me that night. I'm not giving up on a friendship, nor do I feel I have to maintain this friendship to keep her going (I'm not that unrealistic). But it made me think about all those people, including her husband, who have reached the end of their rope... at what point do they stop and say, "I can't deal with this any longer"? I'm not at that point, and I don't think I ever will be with her, but it did make me think. When I was dealing with my husband's illness, I have to admit, I felt that way sometimes. When would the rope break? It never did for me, the stresses of dealing with his medical conditions did add up, and took a heavy toll on me (some of which I still deal with to this day)... But it did come very close to breaking. I did almost walk away back in 2002. In my case, I had the realization, through my religious beliefs, that God never gives me more than I can handle. And that includes friends calling me at 11:30 at night needing someone to talk to.
A few nights ago, I was on the phone with a friend of mine for over 2 hours. This wasn't a bullshit session. She woke me up at 11:30 in the evening with a phone call, sobbing uncontrollably. She has had bipolar disorder since she was 15, and I could tell within a few minutes that she was clearly off her medications. This isn't the first time she's done this. We've been friends a long time. But this is a lifetime illness, and at age 43, she knows better. It wasn't a matter of affording the meds, although in the past, this had been an issue for her. She makes good money (a lot more than I do), has insurance that pays for her medications, and for her medical appointments that she needs to maintain her bipolar disorder (BPD).
We talked, and she unloaded on me. She was in the middle of a divorce (her 3rd marriage). This time, he was seeking alimony, custody of their 14 year-old daughter, and essentially most of the life she has made for herself. This is hard for most people to handle, but when you have a serious mental illness, it can be absolutely devastating. She had called and hung up on three other people before talking to me. I can't say I didn't see this coming. Some of her recent emails to me seemed, well... negative.
I've mentioned her before in some previous posts, because I have talked with her and even traveled to meet her when she was clearly suicidal. That time, I helped her to check in for what started as a 72-hour stay at a hospital, but which became nearly two weeks long. Each time, she stopped taking her medications. When she is on her meds, you can't tell her from anyone in the crowd. Those meds keep her brain chemistry in check. But, they have side effects that eventually cause her to stop taking them. That's when the problems start. She had been off her meds this time for 3 weeks. Last time, it was just over 2 weeks when she reached me. One time, it was over 4 months, and she was almost to the point of living on the streets. Each time, reality hits eventually, and she comes back. Her employer has always looked the other way, knowing that this occurs with her. She is an incredibly talented software engineer. With her BPD, the timing isn't predictable. Some people with BPD have a predictable cycle. Not her. It can be 3 times in a year, or nothing for 2 years.
Something about the way she was talking told me she had already decided to get help and get back on track again. But I wasn't sure if she had started. Mentioning meds is something approached at the right point, not right away. But, as an EMT, it is part of my thinking, and eventually I asked her if she had restarted her meds. Not yet, but she had gone and gotten them refilled again earlier that day. OK. That's good. She has them. What were her plans at this point? First, she knew she had to get back on her meds to be able to handle any legal actions, especially custodial proceedings. But the depression she was in was keeping her from opening those bottles and taking those pills. Or it could push her over the edge and make her take more than she should. A lot more. Its happened before. Which is why we talked and talked and talked. Letting her dump on me gives her an outlet that I always hope will allow her to see some things clearly and essentially go back and do what she knows she needs to do.
Its hard dealing with someone in the cycles of BPD. Even harder over and over again. But she's my friend. She's been through tough times, and she has an ability to rebound that is just unreal.
By the time our call was ending, she was less upset, but I could tell the brain demons were still working on her.
... She called me yesterday when I was driving home, and let me know she was ok, which was good to hear, and she had started back on the road to her recovery. She restarted her medication regimen, contacted her doc, and had an emergency plan in case she relapsed in this acute period for her. She hasn't spoken with her soon-to-be ex-husband yet, but was hoping to in the next week or so. She didn't do anything on Sunday except stare at pictures most of the day. Pictures of family, of friends, and of parts of her life she clearly wants back, but can't have. Her daughter is staying with her father, who moved out before I was called. I think she understands that she more than likely won't get sole custody of her daughter. We may meet up later this week or early next week, as she is thinking about a little travel while she gets back on track. Can't say its the smartest move for her, but if it works...
I am sharing this story to you, because when I was done talking with her, I realized the drain it had on me that night. I'm not giving up on a friendship, nor do I feel I have to maintain this friendship to keep her going (I'm not that unrealistic). But it made me think about all those people, including her husband, who have reached the end of their rope... at what point do they stop and say, "I can't deal with this any longer"? I'm not at that point, and I don't think I ever will be with her, but it did make me think. When I was dealing with my husband's illness, I have to admit, I felt that way sometimes. When would the rope break? It never did for me, the stresses of dealing with his medical conditions did add up, and took a heavy toll on me (some of which I still deal with to this day)... But it did come very close to breaking. I did almost walk away back in 2002. In my case, I had the realization, through my religious beliefs, that God never gives me more than I can handle. And that includes friends calling me at 11:30 at night needing someone to talk to.
Labels: EMS, Misc Rants
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